It's day two of at home detox for my husband. I want to feel happy, but I hate how he is right now. I know it will be over in a few weeks, but I don't know if I can tolerate this much more....
My sweet, good-natured husband has left along with the green stuff that kept him smiling and happy all the time. I want to think that it's for the best, because this will be one less thing for us to worry about when he finally lands a job, but at the same time, will it?
Every time he opens his mouth to me, I feel like whatever is going to happen is my fault. I don't listen enough. I'm not quick enough with the comeback. Something.
I feel really alone right now because none of my friends have husbands/boyfriends like this and I feel like I have no one to talk to. He is so physical. Not physically abusive. No, he is verbally abusive. He's just a physical man and hurts everything around me, just not me.... Should I be greatful? Should I be fucking happy he's not punching me in the face, and be glad that it's the cabinets that get broken? I just don't understand why he is SO ANGRY!!! Why? Two beautiful kids. A good loving wife that brings home the bacon. A group of friends that love him, and a family that adores him? What the fuck is so wrong with that??
So, this blog is my place to put my issues out onto. Because I have no physical being to talk to about any of it. If I can make it a year everyday to come on here and pour my heart out, then awesome, I'll have gained some sort of consistancy in my life.
I had holes in doors, walls and probably an extremely traumatized boy. Life for me in Sacramento was hell. Gino and I were together for 6 years in Sacramento, and I never truly was happy with him until I met you. Before the year of 2006, we were destructive to each other. He didn't know how to control his anger and I didn't know how to communicate. I don't know what would have had happened to us had we stayed there. I don't know if he would have gone back to his angerous self and me to my bitchy self. We've lived in Oregon for 4 years now...... I can't believe it's been 4 years of bliss. Not perfection, because lord knows marriage is NEVER perfect, but it's happiness that we've never known. There's been no holes in walls, no traumatized children, just peace.
ReplyDeleteI'm here, Sam, because I promise I get it. We were there. And we survived and found our happiness. I think God has just blessed us for sticking with each other through it all.
Thank you so much for sharing this peek into your heart with me. It's amazing that through one's blog you can learn so much more about someone and love them in ways you didn't know you could.